It has been a long time since I last sat down to jot a letter. Much longer if I think about the last time I addressed one to just myself. Back in the early 2000s when I was still very much a kid, I had this habit of writing to myself. Pages and pages, meticulously filled with every mundane detail of my life at the time. A fight with a friend, disappointing grades in an exam or a wholesome Sunday with the family — thoughts from every event, small of big, would always find its way from my head to a piece of paper. I think it was my way of clearing my mind, by putting pen to paper and processing everything that was happening around me, but from a distance. Smart kid, no? If only I had the wisdom to carry on with the habit.
But as life went on and thoughts loomed more formidably, I unceremoniously gave up on writing to myself. Instead, now I talk to myself all day in my head — taking notice of everything that’s happening around without really processing any of it from a distance.
And to be honest, sometimes I get a little sick of the constant chatter.
Which is why today, the morning of my 29th birthday (WHAT!? Twenty nine already!?) I wanted to get back to my old habit. A lot can happen between birthdays and I wanted to put together a list of 29 thoughts that my brain and I have chatted over the last few years.
Funny, hopeful, happy, poignant and sad realisations; all carefully picked from different stages of my life. Enjoy rummaging through my brain!
1. Not all knots need to be untied. You are not for everyone; you are for you. How devastatingly gorgeous is that.
2. Considerate pauses carry all the world’s encouragement in their small, quiet minutes. When offered, accept them with both hands and try to offer them as much as you possibly can to others too.
3. Panic eases when we fear it less.
4. There will come a time when your parents will seek home in you and not the other way round. When that happens, summon all the courage in this world to stand tall and let them lean on you. You got this.
5. The anxiety in your head will always make the problem at hand appear much more menacing than it actually is. Remember that your brain can lie to you.
6. If it makes you happy, the answer should always be yes. Unless it’s your fourth helping of rice.
7. When we step into adulthood, we change a lot. Some changes are good, while some other changes..not so much. Every once in a while, try to remember and be more like the childhood version of you. I aspire to be more like myself at 7, when I made up my own lyrics, didn’t care about pleasing people and openly told everyone that mosquitoes bite me so much cause my blood must taste the sweetest.
8. Don’t bother if the music you like isn’t popular. Sing often.
9. There will come times when sleeping in on Sundays won’t be possible — your brain will go into planning & anxiety mode at 6 am for the week ahead. Don’t fight it; accept that you are wired differently. And don’t hold grudges as your husband snores peacefully next to you without a care in the world.
10. You don’t experience life; you experience a part of your life that you choose to focus on. Hence, choose your focus wisely.
11. Certain friendships can get toxic over time — be brave enough to realise when that happens and step away as gracefully as you possibly can.
12. When you’re craving dessert in the middle of the night, fruits are a great alternative.. but so is Nutella on a piece of bread. But whatever, your pick. (Choose the latter, please!)
13. It takes a remarkable lack of self-consciousness to be able to document yourself on social media platforms. If people make light of it or mock you for #instagramming everything, let them. You’re documenting your own life for yourself; there is nothing wrong with wanting to remember what you were doing in September of 2019 and having your Instagram stories tell you exactly that.
14. You will inevitably always remember the birthday of someone you no longer talk to. Your fingers will hesitate over sending them a WhatsApp birthday message. Press send anyway, it is okay — doesn’t make you a weaker person.
15. Remember how you feared you will eventually forget how your grandparents voices sounded after they passed away? You don’t! You can still close your eyes and get transported back to the summer of 2001 and hear them call your name, laugh at the cat’s antics and bicker over television shows.
16. Hydrate. You have to take on the responsibility of remembering to drink enough water, it is not fair to still have your father remind you of this simple act, from across time zones and continents.
17. You will inexorably find yourself inside a grocery store in the unlikeliest of times. Yes, even after a Saturday date night with Bharat. You run a household now, learn to make your peace with this eventuality.
18. You will have to consciously teach yourself to love better. Marriages take work, even if you happen to be married to your best friend. Sometimes it is okay to give him the last word, even if you are pissed. But don’t make a habit of it.
19. Practice gratitude. Remind yourself that you’re living inside one of your answered prayers today.
20. There is no shame in rereading or rewatching the same content. It is comforting to already know what happens in the end. There is no such luxury in real life.
21. Hit pause every once in a while — take a day off, only to soak in the pleasure of knowing the length of your day as yours and yours alone.
22. Own comfortable shoes. Accept that you wouldn’t magically know how to carry on in heels just because you’re a grown woman now; it’s a skill that you, unfortunately do not possess.
23. Even though it feels hopeless at first, but detailed instructions by your mother over a few video calls can really make your kitchen smell exactly like she has been cooking in it.
24. As Jane Austen once said, ‘I have no notion of loving people by halves; my attachments are always excessively strong.’ You will resonate with Austen’s thoughts and follow it through in your relationships — but try not to be disappointed cause not everyone will have the same bandwidth to return your love in same proportions.
25. It is okay to send favourite songs as replies to messages, when words fail to express how you truly feel.
26. Give second chances to cities and food. Also, to people; but only and only when they vocally ask for it.
27. Dance more. Don’t wait for a sangeet night or baarat of your friend’s wedding to choreograph dance routines.
28. Grief isn’t only about losing people to death. Sometimes it can be about losing traditions you once cherished; when you sense it fading with time, try reviving those traditions with all your might. Don’t say goodbye just yet.
29. Smile at yourself more — through mirrors, puddles of water, stranger’s eyes.
And because I love you, I will give you one extra and the most important one –
30. No one is coming to rescue you. This is not a tragedy, it’s an opportunity. Become the person you were waiting for all this while.
Happy Birthday, you. ❤
I hope you keep adding to this list and never think it’s silly to put your thoughts to paper.
